I have been lucky enough to finally find the motivation I had been patiently waiting for. The catalyst? Possibly my disgusting ATI results which predicted that I currently have a pathetic 54% chance of passing the NCLEX. I procrastinated my way through much of the semester--actually, through much of nursing school--until now. To complement my state of laziness, I even gained 10 pounds since this semester began.
This weekend, which started Thursday night, I completed a leadership log on the same day I had my leadership clinical, wrote my populations at risk paper, posted my disaster preparedness discussion board assignment for community, updated my resume, drafted a cover letter, sent out my requests for letters of recommendation, and exercised--among other tasks. Never have I been able to cross off so many items from my to-do list. I have also been doing NCLEX review questions lately and I was actually reading my anatomy & physiology textbook before I decided to take a break and write. For your information: I never read. Whatever it is, please keep it coming. At this point, I am ambitious and determined. I'm especially determined to lose 10 pounds...shit.
On another note, he has been haunting me in my dreams. We broke up way back in November and we haven't seen or spoken to each other since. I didn't think about him for months. I didn't dream of him for months. I thought I did myself a favor as I basked in a pool of false certainty. Then I began thinking and dreaming of him at one point, maybe a month ago, when I felt unhappy and dissatisfied, maybe even mildly depressed, about my life. I knew I was only reverting back to that comfort and familiarity, that support, because I was momentarily weak and hit a low point. I thought I knew. I thought I knew because now I am strong and, in a sense, feeling high. I just came back from an amazing spring break vacation and I am doing well in general. Yet, I am still having dreams about him. I do not know what these incessant dreams are trying to signify, but they are bothering me. They are making me question myself and wonder about my decisions. They are causing me to think about things I don't want to, don't need to think about. I want to be able to wholeheartedly sing the lyrics "Don't know what I want/But I know it's not you/Keep pushing and pulling me down/But I know in my heart it's not you" from "I Caught Myself" by Paramore. The problem is you can never be so sure--you can only tell yourself you are sure. The question becomes...are you telling yourself the truth? Or are you just lying to yourself?
I want to forget you. But I want to be your friend...even though I can't be your best friend. I know in my heart I want to be your friend only.
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it's hard to decipher our emotions and feelings because that's just what they are -- feelings. you can't KNOW for sure because feelings are influenced by a lot of things... and you waver and bounce back and forth and everything becomes muddled. there's nothing i can say to you except i'll be here with an ear to listen to you and occasionally crack a joke or two to make you laugh.
good things will happen to you when you least expect it. betta believe it! :)
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