I usually get what I want...but I almost never get what I really want. I've come to accept that the reason for this is I always aim too high. I've also come to realize that there is no such thing as "too high" because we can achieve "too high" if we want to. And even if we can't, we should never stop trying.
In high school, I was selected from who knows how many applicants to be a semi-finalist for a full-scholarship to any college I chose to attend. Twenty out of the thirty semi-finalists would get the scholarship...but I would not be one of them. It was a panel interview and the three interviewers were impressed with my application, but I could not capitalize and sell myself to them. It hurts to know how close I was to getting a free ride through New York Money-Hungry University and I know it hurt my parents even more. Although they didn't say it, I know they were disappointed. I was disappointed in myself for letting such a precious opportunity slip away.
When applying for colleges in high school, I thought I was good enough for at least one Ivy League. I applied to the arts and science colleges of Cornell and Columbia. Cornell wait-listed me (then rejected me) and Columbia rejected me. Nina 0, Ivy League 2. Even though I was ranked only 20 out of 500 and scored 1350/1600 on the SAT (not really enough to get into an Ivy), I thought my extensive list of extracurricular achievements had paved me a road to a top university. For Columbia, I truly believe it came down to my interview, mostly because not every applicant had the opportunity to interview, an example being one of my friends who got in without having to interview. The interview was a disaster. I was obviously disappointed. I also really wanted to dorm at my college, which is something I could not do at NYU...
...So I tried to get some free dorming by applying for a position as a Resident Assistant (RA) at NYU. Sometimes I wonder if I applied just to chase my own tail. The selection process was long-winded and consisted of participating in the Resident Assistant Leadership Institute (RALI) once a week for a semester. Basically, we were observed during RALI while we had discussions, played "games", presented a project, etc. Even though I held various leadership roles in high school, I was not ready for this--and I knew it. But I did it anyway. I didn't get picked to become an RA.
A few weeks ago, I made it to the semi-final round for a job as a new grad nurse resident at NewYork-Presbyterian/Cornell's emergency department, an extraordinary Level I Trauma Center. About 17 semis were chosen, from over 100 applicants, to interview for 4 spots. We went through a grueling interview day where all the semis got to meet one another, tour the huge ED, listen to presentations, and go through two interviews. I was so impressed by the facility and the amazing residency program they had put together that it became my dream job. I thought about how great it would be to work there and how much I could grow and learn in the program. I thought about how I would announce my success to my parents as well as to the teachers, friends, and mentors who had supported me. I was devasted when I received a call from the nurse recruiter telling me I had not been chosen--so devastated that I cried like a baby all night long. And FYI, I cry about twice a year.
Those are pretty much the major failures of my life. I call them failures because, in my eyes, that's what they are...even though many of them occurred because I was grasping for stars that were not within my reach. In other words, I continuously set myself up for failure by forcing myself to apply for things that I barely qualified for. Even though rejection is disappointing to accept and too painful to ignore, I appreciate my failures because they motivate me to try harder and make myself better than what was previously inadequate. It's ok to aim high, to miss, to cry, and to be a little bitter...as long as you keep on aiming. Settling for less=weak. Our failures make us stronger...and they should never impede us from going above and beyond--never.
When you fall off the horse, you have to just get back on.
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6 comments:
I relate all too well on every part of this post. I guess we'll talk about it one of these days bec. this reply would be too long.
I'll leave you with a few trite quotes:
Just do it.
Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind. Absolve you to yourself, and you shall have the suffrage of the world. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson in Self-Reliance
I'll refrain from quoting two more apt ones, but this one is a must:
Even if you’re going to live three thousand more years, or ten times that, remember: you cannot lose another life than the one you’re living now, or live another one than the one you’re losing. The longest amounts to the same as the shortest. The present is the same for everyone; its loss is the same for everyone; and it should be clear that a brief instant is all that is lost. For you can’t lose either the past or the future; how could you lose what you don’t have?
Remember two things:
i. that everything has always been the same, and keeps recurring, and it makes no difference whether you see the same things recur in a hundred years or two hundred, or in an infinite period;
ii. that the longest-lived and those who will die soonest lose the same thing. The present is all that they can give up, since that is all you have, and what you do not have, you cannot lose.
~Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations
whatever doesnt kill you will only make you stonger. and you, my dear, are a fighter. it's courageously of you to reach for the stars, and don't ever stop doing that. be positive! one day you'll get what you want. sometimes we think we want something or we think it's good for us, when in reality, there's something better and greater out there just waiting for us to glance that way. you'll find it. and you learn better from failures. that's life.
I loved this.
Chadobo, you make me proud even if your mama ain't. And hey- keep in mind, ALL asian parents are hard to please. Sometimes, you just can't win.
But I'm a bug proponent for optimism and faith in thy self.
I'm right there with you, don't stop trying.
So you didn't get everything you wanted..but please don't look at them as failures. Remember all your greater accomplishments, and be proud of yourself for all the energy and courage you had to pursue all your ambitions (despite whatever outcome).
But i def understand how you feel about wanting to make your parents proud. And it is frustrating when they can't understand or appreciate our efforts...
but they aren't with you in the arena when you fight your battles, so their perspective sort of narrows their own impression of your choices in life. so dont be so hard on yourself...i learnt that after a while all you can is reassure the ppl in your life about the decisions you make and trust in your ability to get to where/what you want...and dont aim for perfection..nothing in life is. at the end of the day, just make sure your satified with YOU.
and in case you didnt already know, you are the shiznit! always and forever..sexy, brilliant, funny, fun, and the list goes on... <3 we gonna take over the world and share australia ..remember? lol
where to begin? -just let me say that none of the comments are meant to be criticizing or judgemental. if the comment sits with you, run with it. if the comment is crap, just ignore it.-
to get what you want but never the things you really want...well, maybe you realize that you really want that thing, precisely because you didn't get it. just maybe. but let's put this possibility aside.
...if there are always things that you really want, but almost never get, then maybe there's a key something that you're missing out on every time. maybe there's just a piece of the puzzle to those scenarios that you haven't figured out yet. maybe it's just the mentality of "once again, i'm close but might not make it," or maybe it's something as tangible as interview skills (perhaps you need to work on "selling yourself" better). to be honest, that would be something worth thinking about again.
let's be straight up honest, it's hard to get into an ivy league without >1400. that's just the truth of the matter. getting waitlisted and at least interview, you should be damn proud of that.
...with regards to the grad position thing, i know it may seem weird, but sometimes you have to keep in mind, that contrary to what our parents might think, getting a job (or anything else for that matter) isn't simply a matter of picking the "top" ppl. a lot of times, it's about best fit, especially when it comes to jobs. they don't necessarily want to choose the smartest, or the most experienced, but it depends on what they need. so just because you weren't picked, don't think that it's because you weren't good enough or something.
to be honest, it sounds like your parents are better than avg (definitely much better than mine). yeah, still lacking in some aspects, but at least they try. parents are humans too, and they have feelings, and it's not easy for them to always understand our feelings. so if they do something right, yay for you. if they don't, then just realize that it's not easy for them to understand us. (haha, yes, it still sucks to have to deal with it). if you can talk with them, great. otherwise...deal with it
congratulations on choosing something that you want to do. congratulations on always trying. maybe you'll always set the bar too high. however, i can almost guarantee you that you wouldn't be happier doing it any other way.
hope something was useful. otherwise, ignore :)
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