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i am finally making time to conjure up another blog! no edits bc it takes me FOREVER!

this past thursday, nov 6 2008, i had a perfect day at my pediatrics clinical. before i go into that let me tell you a bit about nina & clinicals. for those of you who don't know, im a nursing student and 'clinical' is just what we call a day when we go to a hospital to learn how to do what we do. ok moving on. i'm usually a spazz during clinicals. i get very nervous and scared. i panic blank out choke up etc. im tired because i get up as early as 530 am --> leading to being pissy bummy non sociable. im also usually very quiet and clinical instructors tend to think im an incompetent retard because i give them the impression that i am.

more misc info needed to help my story make sense: my clinical group + my clinical instructor had a LOT of tension for the past month maybe...or more. a lot of drama went down and at times it felt like it was a hopeless case and that everyone would just be unhappy for the rest of the semester. thats enough of that!

but not on thursday! i had only gotten maybe 4-5 hrs of sleep but i still felt energized maybe bc i decided to caffeinate myself. anyway i was in a GREAT mood even at 730 in the morning. i was more chatty than usual during post conference since i wasnt tired & pissy and everything was just peachy. the whole group seemed to be doing great, instructor included. with his oatmeal & all.

onto the floor! still energized. got assigned to the best nurse on that pediatrics unit to preceptor me & i was pretty excited. my patient had just been transported to get a procedure done so i didnt have much to do in the morning which gave me time to float around and be the nosy person i am. i listened in on the rounds with the attendings, residents, & whoever else. the assistant nurse manager and some of the nurses & other purple people eaters were there. rounds is when a whole group of people come storming around the hospital talking about each patient. it was fun to listen in even though i felt so stressed out at the end of it. we can relate to the residents bc sometimes when their attendings ask them questions theyre like errrr uhhhh mmmmm and thats what i do! :)

then i went to a room with my amiga dolly & the instructor to learn about how to give eyedrops to resistant little babies.

i talked to my preceptor for a bit and for the first time in my life asked a LOT of questions. i usually feel dumb for asking dumb questions but this guys like i said is a great person and teacher. so he was patient with me. we talked a little bit about army nursing.

the patient finally came back around 1130 so i gave him one med to be infused into his med port and took his vital signs then had to leave for lunch.

i was panicking a little bit and being a little drama queen because we went for lunch and i still didnt do a lot of things yet. such as my physical assessment and filling out something called a database which is just putting that assessment onto paper.

ANYWAY SO THE GOOD PART! when we got back from lunch i got to do my physical assessment on my ADORABLE 5 YEAR OLD PATIENT!!! his mother was there and she watched. normally i think i wouldve been nervous but for some reason i felt more confident than ever. i had a perfect interaction with him. he was shy but i got him to smile and talk to me a little bit. it was beautiful. his mother asked me some questions about nursing etc. they were both very compliant which made things easier for me. but seriously i never felt more confident and i think it showed. im usually spazzy when i do my assessments and im flustered trying to remember every little detail or trying to jot down things or this and that etc. i wish i could have spent more time getting to know my patient but we had to leave soon after =( plus he was tired from the procedure anyway so. but omg he was so cute.

after that i went out to fill out my database and still felt unafraid to ask questions as i was filling things out. etc etc i felt like my positive energry was spreading around. the end!

so it was a great clinical day. i dont know if i stepped up my game bc i got shat on the previous week during my elder clinical and i will actually talk about that too! because that was the worst clinical of my life. well. ill talk about that now.

last tuesday i had the worst clinical ever. the story is actually getting old but i guess ill try to be as detailed as possible. this is my elder clinical aka geriatrics aka older adults aka old people. not trying to be derogatory but just trying to clarify the terminology!

so i get assigned to this dude. i go in for my assessment. it went pretty well he was sitting in his chair and he let me do whatever and he seemed content. i THINK he even said youre a nice nurse or whatever. we chatted a little then i saw him trying to cut off his wrist band that says 'Falls Risk' and i was trying to explain to him why he had that on and why he shouldnt cut it off. i tried to take the scissors away but he got loud so i just left and told my nurse what was going on.

later on it was time to give him his million medications and i had to take his blood pressure before that so i did. he was now lying in his bed looking like he was about to fall off. cuz hes a pretty large guy...so while taking the bp i put up one of the side rails. this was my mistake bc he already had 2 rails up and 3 rails=restraint. and thats not good. but anyway he didnt say anything and he saw me put it up im pretty sure. i left it there so he could rest.

a little later i come back in with my instructor with his million medications and this guy is livid. he tells me to get out he says he doesnt want me to do anything to him he goes why did u put the side rail up. i was speechless bc i was like uhh why r u so pissed off all of a sudden. and thanks for embarrassing me in front of my clinical instructor. so bc my instructor is nice she just gave him the meds and also drew his fkn blood which i should have done. but whatever i dont need his slutty veins.

so after my instructor left i tried to talk to him about it. i was trying to explain how i did it for his safety and how he didnt say anything when he saw me put the shit up. at this point i was so sincere in trying to "make up" with him i wasnt even angry at him. i think i was so upset bc no patient ever refused my care before. i think i was on the verge of tears up until after lunch. and im not a person who likes to cry or is made cry easily. so obviously i cared about my (professional) relationship with my patient. i tried to talk to him he basically didnt wanna hear none of it he was not understanding he did not care and he just told me to get out.

i left the room feeling like shit wanted to cry didnt let myself cry sulked around. i watched a classmate work on his patient with our nurse. i never felt so useless and emotionally distraught in clinical. i ended up forgetting about my 11:30 blood glucose check on my pt and well ill tell you what happened with that after. he didnt let me do it on him at 1230 so i just told my nurse & she said she would take care of it.

i felt like crap during lunch still prob looked like i was gonna cry but i didnt. when i got back onto the unit i watched my instructor give him his 2:00 meds and that was that. i didnt see him for the rest of the day. i didnt know wut to do and how i could talk to someone like that. i did not know how to be therapeutic. i was making myself so vulnerable to him and trying to be so kind and honest and sincere but he was not having any of it.

i felt a little better throughout the day post-lunch as i talked to a few people in my group--not about my day but just about other things. and it was nice i guess.

that day happened to be midterm evaluations day with the instructors. so i was last to go and i got shitted on pretty badly. my instructor wasnt a bitch about it she was just being honest and telling me how things are and what we can do to make it better but obviously drawing most of her comments from today's experience. so she was like we need to work on time management since i forgot my 1130 glucose check. she said i needed to be more confident bc the patient saw thru me and saw that he could take advantage of me step all over me be in control and i had zero control over the situation. well she didnt say that but im saying that about the situation. i took the criticism pretty well. i got a lot of needs improvements which is something im not used to but im happy. she was being honest and a lot of other instructors will just put satisfactory for everything for the hell of it. i wasnt that upset anymore at that point and so im glad about that cuz i might have started crying if i had still been upset. she just told me to not let it bother me and shes funny actually she kept saying the pt is crazy all day long and that he has mood swings. obviously trying to make me feel better and that it wasnt my fault etc.

i went home that night and i tried to talk to a few ppl about my experience that day. i tried to get everything off my chest but it wasnt working. no one could console me or make me feel better. finally i just went to the bathroom and cried. it was a nice release of stress. i usually dont cry much bc im a pretty happy person. i think i felt better after that. it wouldve been nice to have someone to cry to but i usually dont like to cry in front of people bc i get embarrassed. anyway whatever! so i felt better. the whole ordeal still bothered me the following day during my commute & pediatrics lecture. strangely though i felt better after my critical care lecture. maybe bc that class moves so fast your mind cant think about anything else. mooo.

so its funny that i had my best clinical and my worst clinical around the same period of time. i really do believe that my failures in one clinical pushed me to try harder and be more confident in clinical. we'll see what happens when i get to my elder clinical next tuesday...hopefully i can have the same confidence and be efficient. bc right now i know that instructor thinks i need to improve a LOT! hopefully i can prove myself and continue to grow as a clinican-to-be. i think ive grown a lot this semester. im trying to be more decisive, less spazzy, and im just trying to reach my potential. ive been struggling so much in clinicals. i can get all the 98s on exams but all of that means nothing when you cant do what youre supposed to do in the real world. i know i have the potential to be great at my job but its going to take a while and i hope i dont have to struggle so hard to get there. and even if i do, it will be SO worth it in the end when i have great days. theres so much more to be said but right now i think this is good.

so in comparison to this elder clinical, my peds clinical day was 'FABULOUS'! i walked out feeling so renewed. i felt useful, i felt like i wasnt being judged by anyone. i let myself ask questions. all along ppl say dont be afraid to ask questions but i know for a fact that there r ppl who will look at u like youre stupid if u ask a questions that they think you should know. i guess u just have to look for the right person to ask. anyway whatever thats it! my emotions have been all over the place this month and i feel like im really bipolar but im not and i wish i could find the time to edit this post and make it sound beautiful and end with some profound kind of statement but i cant do that right now bc i have to go to the bank!